“To read is to cover one’s face and to write is to show it.” – Alejandro Zambra
I’ve run 6 marathons, a dozen half marathons, a silly number of 5 and 10K’s and all the training runs required and yet I still do not consider myself a runner. Running doesn’t come natural to me. And as much as I have run and tried to “fake it till you make it”… I still just really really don’t like it. And despite knowing it’s good for me, I never feel good doing it. It’s like wearing a tight bedazzled jacket when a comfy grey pullover hoodie is how you roll.
So even with all the experience, hours and sacrifice I put into running… I’m just NOT a runner. In fact, I have a really serious case of runner’s rage. It’s kind of dangerous. Ask my sister. Poor thing had to suffer abuse on the account that she dropped the camera trying to take the “happy” picture of me running a marathon…which I wasn’t at ALL happy about anyway. Or ask my super tolerant husband. I’m not sure he’s recovered from the emotional scarring after suggesting we “leg it out.” My response being like some kind of juiced up meathead giving a promo for a WWF Cagematch. “I AM LEGGING IT OUT DAMNIT!!!”
So gross. We shouldn’t do things that make us that ugly.
My beautiful friend Lori made me realize that I like the “idea” of being a runner. I want to be that person who effortlessly glides along the pavement all gazelle-y with head high and the upper hand against the elements. I want to be able to go for 6 miles on a whim. Do you know what has to happen for a 6 miler (and pretty much anything between 1-6) to occur? EVERY damn star needs to align. Perfect amount of sleep, perfect nutrition, perfect breathability clothes for the perfect running weather. It’s dumb. And even when perfection is achieved, loving (or even liking it) remains absent.
But here’s the thing – it’s not just in running. I like the “idea” of being a lot of things and sometimes I spend too much energy and internal rage trying to be them. Trendy. Put together. Naturally skinny. Super disciplined. Book devourer. Knower of anything home decor. Actually, knower of a dirty laundry list of things. And really, all I need to be the knower of… is thyself. That’s everything we all need to know. What fills you? What gives you joy? Do that. Be that. Be you. Be your kind of beautiful. Wear the hoodie!
The only way I even remotely tolerate running is when it’s with someone (maybe except “people” who tell me to “leg it out”). And there it is. Doing things we don’t like is redeemable if you mix in a little of what you do. That’s why I love writing. It leaves me vulnerable but I know when I’m vulnerable, I’m growing. I’m learning and I’m legging it out at my inner core.
So this is why I’ve created this site. To share. To learn. To push forward with others trying to Hulk-a-mania leg it out too. Unlike running, I don’t have 6 books, a dozen half books and a bunch of 5 to 10 page short stories to fall back on. So snuggle bear with me. Doing this leaves me SUPER vulnerable and nervous…and I’ve delayed it 100 years because of this. BUT I know being vulnerable and nervous is where the Rocky Balboa moments are in this life. Writing in this way makes me want to uppercut and body blow hanging meat in a barn in Russia. Kidding. But it is super authentic to me. It’s comfy and even when its hard I want to do it again.
We hold onto these things we think we have to be or want to be because of the “idea” we think they represent. But holding on to those ideas gets heavy. And who wants to be heavy? “Not I!” said the pig.
So let’s make a deal… I’m gonna be the pullover hoodie me and… On your mark… Get set… you be the “Eye of the Tiger” beautiful YOU… GO!
Hugs and LOVE!